relationships are all about compromise right?

!!! INSERT FAMILY FUN DAY PHOTO HERE !!!

Wrong - its a basically a turn taking balancing act (well I do stuff just to get a guaranteed nosh) that puts your wits on high alert and cunning to its limits.

Yesterday I was informed 'she' wanted to get up early, so ‘we’ could spend the whole day together, romance int dead yet mon ami !

*hears moans *

A nice stroll around the Derbyshire dales - ashborne, matlock, buxton, crich, even chatsworth or head to nottinghamshire for wollaton, newstead abbey maybe even sherwood forest, then find in a quaint tea shop or country boozer for some decent scran and ales......surely most woman would go weak at the knees at these ideas, but not mine.

“have you seen these vouchers in the sun...” (it was never going to be good was it?)
“to get into Alton towers for half price?”

Let me take a moment to tell you the two things I hate most in life (other than odd socks);

1. Queuing

2. Being spun upside down.

She knows this.

And that I don't read the Sun. That's three things, naymind.

However, as already agreeing on the ‘it’s your day, we can do anything you want to do’, there wasn't much choice, plus she called me a scaredy cat.

Then a puff.

Being 100% comfortable with my sexuality, never having a tiny bit of doubt or twitch to 'experiment', this didn’t even register. Cats though? I fooking hate the two-faced snide shitcunts - there was no way I was being lumbered into that cat-egory.

To cut a long story short (hey-its about the deats int it) I drove us there - she criticised me all the way and laughed, due to me never driving on a motorway before (thats another story) - parked miles out, which they charge you a fiver for!?!?!?! to use their theme park?????? Then had to get a monorail to the entrance - I felt claustrophobic on that, never mind when I saw the massive lines of people waiting to go into a concentration camp, then a dozen legs whizzing past upside down and screams not heard since the miners welfare was torched...It cost me – yes me - 36 quid for us both, nearly a full weeks JSA, which was with the BOGOF offer. Kirsty on the counter asked if ‘we’ i.e. me wanted to pay an extra 8 quid for some queue jumping thing - fook that – However, later as I stood waiting in line for over an hour, I wish had.

There’s tons of other annoying stuff, like weird music playing out of trees, water being sprayed over you, people in fancy dress trying to sell you more tat – although for the money, the sun caught my cheeks (being stood in queues all day), had to eat a burger king for 8quid (whopper meal), got neck ache and a dizzy feeling that only the Tuesday blues can give you. We only managed to go on 4 rides - none of which I enjoyed, but next time she calls me a puff/scaredy cat, I’ll just point to the pic of me and her on the 'nemesis' - me doing the thumbs up, her looking like shes having a poo.

Good times.

UPDATE:

After agreeing that once a new ride is built, is the only way I’d take her again – thinking at the time we were deep in the heart of a recession, they’d never have spare cash, guess what? They’ve only gone and built one!

You have to sign a disclaimer before you get on!

I’m going to dump her instead.

the loneliness of an internet forum board member

Thread last edited by gerry at 19:33 2nd September 2008

SUBJECT: The loneliness of a forum board member.

It’s a Saturday morning, 11.13 am to be precise. The weather outside is clement. Mums go visiting family, people are going to Weddings, dads chat over the fence to neighbours about grass growing techniques (more fertilising than hydroponics), lads go to the football match, have a few scoops, discuss latest signings, maybe even get their hands dirty.

Me? I prefer to sit indoors. On my own with laptop on knee, in the dark. The amount of information at my finger tips is endless; being able to learn new skills, hobbies, read about history, politics or the news events from all around the globe – I don’t need to travel, its all in front of me.
But no – that’s not what I do. I spend my time looking at clothes, a clip of a scally getting floored by hong kong phooey, a banned Guinness advert (not due its sexual hints, but because its shite) listening to obscure disco records and just a few minutes a week on soul destroying grot (honestly, it doesn’t take me long), but most of free time and my work time (my boss wont read this) is spent in the secret underworld of internet forums.

Now, its hard work filtering out the wheat from the chaff in everyday life – especially when you forced to sit next to a samehead for 36.5 hours, Monday to Friday – but with the internet, you can avoid all the wagons by joining message boards with people who you already know you will get on with – music, films, clothes, football; all these things make you instant 'bessie' cyber mates.

Its like having hundreds of pals, with a hundred conversations going on at once, that you can get into at any time. It’s a good feeling knowing your’re not alone in this world with you weird obsessions, but there are like-minded individuals in the same boat – even if you can’t agree what deck shoes are best to wear in said boat.
If someone is talking shite, you can tell em without getting fear of violence, even if they threaten to open the shooter cabinet.

Lets face it, its hard work making an effort outside the comfort of your house. You need to buy new gear, decide what to wear, get wet travelling there, then all the melvs en route will just enrage you, making you want to go home. That’s if you can find a decent boozer or afford to go to one!

Internet forums ARE the new going out.

FACT.

So im not sad, im just ahead of my time – even if cords, 20-year-old gortex and tweed are highlights of discussion! There are some downsides to spending 90 hours a week staring at a 17” screen and I think all this time spent on the cyberspace is affecting my ability to cope with everyday life and social situations…

Sometimes its hard to find the words you want to express on forum boards, so some geek invented emoticons that put how you are feeling into happy pictures. So, I thought I’d tried this out on the real world; be warned though, holding up the picture of a yellow circle holding a pint don’t always get you served and When gorping at someone’s footwear to discuss on the internet, if they ask you, “what?” dont reply with a small business card with a sign saying “gay code” on it, I think the irony is lost.

*goes off to build that machine out of the lawn mower man*

Next time:

- Coming out to your family you’ve made a friend off the “internet”.

- Attending a convention of forum board members aka the meet

- How to remember meaningful life facts instead of lads who you’ve never met shoe size and pit to pit measurement.

can't stand ya

George 'can't stand ya' costanza

Rule No. 1 – Never walk without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

Rule No. 2 – Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat, and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss — and you will get caught — your best defence is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

Rule No. 3 – Keep a messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

Rule No. 4 – Use voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing — they call because they want you to do work for them. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice-mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there — it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.

Rule No. 5 – Look impatient & annoyed. One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

Rule No. 6 – Leave the office late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important e-mail at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35 p.m., 7:05 a.m., etc.) and during public holidays.

Rule No. 7 – Use sighing for effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

Rule No. 8 – Opt for the stacking strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

Rule No. 9 – Build your vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember; they don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

Rule No. 10 – Don’t get caught. MOST IMPORTANT: Don’t forward this to your boss by mistake!

From:

www.closeddoorsopenwindows.wordpress.com

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i was once in a band you know...

I used to be in a band y'know.

Everyone knew me round here, I'd walk in a urinal and heads would turn.

It's a shit business. I'm glad I'm out of it.